God it isn't fair.

Just getting those words out feels good, but all the while I know how untrue they are.

Why cant I just do things the easy way, the way that feels good...the way everyone else seem to be doing them. Why does what seems "normal" to everyone else have to cause me physical pain, a sinking, sickening feeling in the core of my body, my own soul turning against me and screaming in resistance, when I try to fit into their "normal".

I cant ignore you.
Your voice has become as steady a rythm to my life as my heart beat. At times it may be drowned out by the noice I have around me, I may be able to force myself to listen to something else...but its always there...pulsing through me, it goes deeper than into my ears, it penetrates my soul. Calm and strong, gentle but consistant you call me... "Beloved"
And I can either give into your arms and be held and give you my pain and be loved,or,I can spend the rest of my life running,hiding,searching.

I had no idea what I was getting into when I picked up that book. I had never felt anger and pain at something someone had written like I felt before I got through the first chapter, yet I couldn't put it down.
All I could see was myself in those pages and and I wanted to rip them out because they made me think about things I had tried to forget,they brought to life and put into words things I felt and never knew how to express and it's still killing me. It feels like a doctor trying to pull out a splinter, that is deeply embedded into my skin,closed over, and become a part of my body.
First he re-opens the wound,then begins to dig into my flesh deeper and deeper until the splinter is found...then he starts to pull, but the splinter is not letting go that easy and neither am I so we pull back, and he pulls harder. It shreds...so what once was one big thing is now many little things and he starts to remove them one painful peice at a time

I have to share this experience I had today...something I am sure that God laughed at me for.
I am always worrying about the big machines in the back of my dad cleaners. To me they always look like something that was made to blow up, so I am always a little nervous and listening for a change in the normal noise it makes. Well, today it made the noise I have been listening for. It was not at all explosive sounding, but it popped and there was this yucky burnt smell ... my dad went to check things out and could not find anything wrong and was satisfied just to leave it alone. I KNEW from that moment it was going to blow. I kept my ears open for the slightest indication that something was not right...the pre-explosion noise as I thought there should be one. but there was nothing. 15 minutes passed and no abnormal noise...but just when I started to relax a little, it happened! A loud exploding noise came from the back and ,smoke or steam one, came shooting out...I didn't really see it I had already covered my head with my arms and ducked behind a desk. My dad went to turn off the pipe that had blown...laughing the whole way at me. I know my heart must have stopped for a moment and my hands where shaking. People have said when they thought they where going to die they saw their whole life pass before their eyes.
I, on the other hand ,was sure that my time had come and could only think "I am going to die in this ugly shirt!"
So here I am, still alive, 20 years old and realizing how deeply shallow I can be. Thank You God for giving me another day to know how much I need you.

Now for my real thoughts of the day. I have been reading a lot about spiritual battle. I read The Screwtape Letters by C.S Lewis, then Lord Foulgrin's letters by Randy Alcorn and now I am on the sequel to that The Ishbane Conspiracy. I am learning a lot from them...but am always overwhelmed by how easily we over look everyday evil. It almost seems like a pointless battle. Pointless because I feel like I am fighting on two different battle grounds...seeing it to begin with and having to defend what I see as evil ... the usual challenge is How do you know this is bad? You haven't tried it.But I am learning how to deal with.
I have come to the conclusion that making an educated decision about what is good and evil is not based on trying them out and seeing how it feels, but based on how well you know good.
A.W Tozer says that, "Sometimes the best way to see a thing is to look at it's opposite."
A good example of that would be people who are trained to spot counterfeit money. They are trained by being only exposed to the real money ... handle it, study it, deal only with the real stuff until they know it so well that they can tell a fake the moment they see it. I think one of the reasons Christians don't always know evil when we see it is because we have been to preoccupied with spotting it. I want to so wholly devote myself to knowing God that there is not a question of what is Him and what isn't. I want to be totally exposed to Him and completely hidden in Him.

Thank you God, thank you God ! Today has been a good day! Sometimes I have the hardest time dealing with my sisters, but not today... and stuff happened that would normaly have set me off! I didn't do it I know... and give me an hour and I will probably blow it, but for right now I feel just a little bit of victory!