Today I did the strangest thing. I was in the car with my mom. We were talking and all of a sudden for no aparent reason I reached up and grabbed my eye. Dont ask me why because I have no answer, but it did hurt, that I do know. Pherhaps my hand felt that for some reason my eye needed plucking out, I do not know.
If MP3's are the bread and butter of life...then what is the milk?

God is big.
So big that He is unpredictable.
So unpredictable that you cant expect, you can only trust.
When you start to expect God to act in a certain way, you will probably miss what He is really doing.
Thats when you start to build walls around God.
Then come people, God made people differently, special, unique...some of them dont dress like you, some of them dont talk like you,some of them dont act like you,and some of them dont expect God to act the same way you do. So you judge.
Thats when you add a roof to the walls you have put around God. To keep the different people out.
Then comes the work. The "fruit" that keeps you from being cast away, that seperates you from the different people.
Thats when you add the steeple to the walls and roof that you've built around God.
Are we going to let God build the church,or the church build God?

For the third sunday since joining Crestview...(gasp!)....I missed church...and now regret it , not for having missed being in church...but because of the hell I got from the people at church. They question my reasons for not being there...and then decide that they are not good enough.GRRRR makes me want to miss Wed too...I know that is so wrong... but I really don't want to be pounced on everytime I miss something. Oh well...I read this today and I really liked it and so I am going to put it in here.....

When I consider how my light is spent

When I consider how my light is spent,
Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,
And that one talent which is death to hide
Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest he returning chide,
"Doth God exact day-labor, light denied?"
I fondly ask. But Patience, to prevent
That murmur, soon replies,"God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts; who best
Bear his mild yoke,they serve him best. His state is kingly: thousands at his bidding speed,
And post o'er land and ocean without rest;
They also serve who only stand and wait"
By John Milton

Healing isn't an easy thing to go through. I was thinking about that today. It seems so mean sometimes...you've been through pain that you never asked for,and then God offers healing, but it seems equally painful , if not more so than the wound itself. Then God started talking to me. I love it when He does that...lol
I started thinking about how somtimes you have to close a wound by burning it. It not only stops the bleeding, but it cleans the wound, burning out any germs that may cause infection. That has to be painful!! I think that is how healing with God is. So the choice comes down to, Do I want to walk around with an open wound all of my life...feeling pain everytime someone touches it, or do I want to feel the burn for a while and be healed??
God, thank you, thank you , thank you for allowing me to be hurt, because that kind of pain is what always reminds me of how desperatly I need you. Thank you for the pain your healing causes...because I know that it is purifying me and perfecting me , bringing me closer the the person you created me to be.
LOL now for a stupid question I read in a book called The Book of Stupid Questions...
If you had a theme song what would it be, and if that song played everytime you walked in a door or down the street...would you change your choice?

PRAY FOR ME!!!
I am really going to need it! My parents are going out of state Sunday and leaving me in charge of 4 kids,the house and the cleaners and it is going to be a really stressful week for me and for my brother and sisters. I need all of the prayer support I can get.

Matthew 6:24
No man can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.

You know I think that is where I get stuck most of the time ... trying to serve to masters at once. It's not fun ... in fact it is really frustrating trying to serve two, who both demand total service. It's like trying to fit two pieces of a puzzle into the last place...they wont fit, one has to go. But instead of letting one go, I end up hating the first for making me feel bad about my service to the second, even though the first offers peace, protection and happiness that lasts...I still serve the second for it's temporary but immediate filling of my needs. But because of my commitment to the First no matter how small, my very soul despises the ways I have made myself a slave to the second. My soul knows who it's real master is, but my flesh is easily distracted.
It's frustrating!!
I have nothing to do ... not anything ... but I am in a really good mood today! I feel REALLY REALLY REALLY hyper!!!!
I discovered this week and decided to come out of the closet with my terrible weakness for Pop music...I like all kids of music, but I cannot bring myself to despise N'Sync, Pink, and especially Destiny's Child. I cannot help myself!

" The Shadowland was your womb.Your life until now has been the labor pains.You are about to be born into a world you've only dreamed about,caught faint glimpses of,little fortastes. You will discover that you loved the old world only in those times it gave you hints of this one."
From The Ishbain Conspiracy by randy alcorn

I have been under strong conviction lately of how easily we let Satan use us. We justify our sins behind, "At least it's not," " It's better than," and "It's just for fun, it doesn't really matter." But God has been showing me just how much it does matter.
I was most recently faced with this truth when a friend of my sister's asked if we had a Ouija Board. We where both kind of shocked at the question. Why would a Christian who, the Creator of the Universe has made himself available to her, want to consult a Ouija Board, controlled by who the bible calls "A liar from the beginning"? When my sister mention that to her friend she said "It's just for fun" they just wanted to ask it questions about a boy.
My first response was to get judgmental, what kind an example as a Christian was she being, but then God gently pointed out some things that I put in the "It's just for fun/doesnt really matter" category, that are equally sinful and set a bad example. My next thought was, " I have to change."
I believe that our generation, more than any other, is seeking a spiritual connection and Satan is ready with a plethora of alternatives to the truth, we have the truth, but we keep it safely hidden behind our church doors or a judgmental attitude. Young people today are searching for something life changing, but they don't see it in us because we either, live just like them and go to church, or we become hypocrites by minimizing our own sin and pointing a finger at theirs. That's where "at least","it's better than", and "it's just for fun" comes in.
Example: " At least I am not having sex with my boyfriend"(so the fact that I have done everything but have sex with him doesn't really matter).
It is no wonder that pagan communities are claiming more and more young people everyday. They don't condemn anyone and actually fallow principles that Jesus taught better than some Christian churches.
Wicca is one of the fastest growing pagan communities today, and is aimed at youth. They accept them as they are, teach them to worship the goddess Mother Nature, who is represented by the sun, and the god who is represented by the moon, and practice white witch craft. They claim that Wicca is "a religion in which you can be yourself, there are is no set of rules, no strict code to obey and no punishment for disobeying the code." Their creed is "If it harm non, do as you will." Satan is all over that ... because it is exactly the opposite of what God says.
Deuteronomy 4: 18
" And when you look up at the sky and see the sun, the moon, and the stars-all the heavenly array-do not be enticed into bowing down to them and worshiping things the Lord your God has apportioned to all the nations under heaven."
It's time for us to step up, put on our armor and start fighting! Because weather we like it or not there is a battle going on and we are a part of it. There is no neutral ground, in every decision you make, everything you think, do and say you are either serving God or being used by Satan. Everything matters.
We have to change. They are asking the questions and we have The Answer. We have to stop hiding behind our fear, because Satan will stop at nothing to steal, kill, and destroy. While we are hiding in our pews at church, he is making it easy for them to find his version of what they are looking for, and wont stop until they are dead. It's as simple as going to Barns& Noble, where you can find books like Wicca for Dummies, books on how to start your own coven or find one in your area, how to cast spells, and automatic writting,(in which you invite a "friendly" spirit into your body to write a message) and some of these books even have detailed instruction on how to commit suicide!
We have to start living out our faith and that means scarifies. Jesus gave His life, don't we owe it to him to serve him even if it means not watching a certain movie, or listening to some music...We need to start living like the new creations we are.

I was looking at one of my first Bibles today. I got it when I was 7 or 8. It was a mess, I colored all through it, but on one of the very back empty pages I had written this,
My Lord is God, He is different, loving and beautiful. My Lord is my life and my protection and everything truly great that has happened to me is because of Him.
I hope that I always look at God like that. I forget some of those things now, while I am caught up in myself.

I am so tired of people screaming that I don't accept them because I do not tolerate the things they are doing or believe. I can accept you as a person and not agree with what you are doing!!
I had a person tell me I had a closed mind because I believe there is only ONE WAY. At this point I am ready to throw being "opened minded" out the window. How can you put your faith in something that you don't believe is the only way? That is completely insecure. If there are many ways according to you, then how do you know yours will work? SO If my believing that there is one God and that His Son is the ONE WAY to eternal security makes me closed minded ... then so be it.

I want so much more than just okay. I don't want to be satisfied. Some people are okay with just coming into a church and that's as far as their search for God goes...they don't want to go deeper especially if it means that they might have to get a little uncomfortable. As much as I will ever know about God there will always be more and so I never want to stop looking, searching, reaching. I feel like I am stuck in a room full of people who are content to believe that the walls around them are all there is ... that there is nothing past the walls. I can't do that... I have to go past the walls, even if it might be scary, or painful. But not just that, I want to get into peoples lives... I don't want to sit on the side lines and watch them play the game alone, cheer when they are doing good and turn my back when they are losing, I want to be team mate, I want to play with them! I long to share the vision that there is more out there with someone, ANYONE.To know that they are reaching for the same thing I am. And most of all I want my faith do be not just something I feel, because feeling change, feelings undulate, I want my faith to be something I live, something I do because underneath the feelings, I know beyond everything else that it is right, that it is truth. I want my belief, my love, my faith, in who God is and what he has done for me, to be the core, the center, the foundation and the heart of who I am.

It is amazing to me that God, Creator of the universe, King of glory, reveals himself to us...that He allows us to seek and find him and rewards us for doing it! Why? We are so other than what He is, so far from Him, but he calls us to himself, and allows us to find Him even though He knows that we will never be able to understand the depth of who he is and how he has loved us.
God, you are enough for me. To know who you are and to feel you is all I need or could want in this life.

Psalms 63:3-5
Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

To Satan we are food, meals to be chewed and swallowed. He seeks to expand the borders of his selfhood, becomeing ever bigger through absorbing our will into his, God on the other hand, calls upon us to voluntarily submit our will to His. Satan wants us as slaves,to exploit and dominate. God wants us as sons and daughters, to love and promote to higher service. Satan wants to devour us. God wants to empower us. Satan would rape us, God would woo us.

I have to share this experience I had today...something I am sure that God laughed at me for.
I am always worrying about the big machines in the back of my dad cleaners. To me they always look like something that was made to blow up, so I am always a little nervous and listening for a change in the normal noise it makes. Well, today it made the noise I have been listening for. It was not at all explosive sounding, but it popped and there was this yucky burnt smell ... my dad went to check things out and could not find anything wrong and was satisfied just to leave it alone. I KNEW from that moment it was going to blow. I kept my ears open for the slightest indication that something was not right...the pre-explosion noise as I thought there should be one. but there was nothing. 15 minutes passed and no abnormal noise...but just when I started to relax a little, it happened! A loud exploding noise came from the back and ,smoke or steam one, came shooting out...I didn't really see it I had already covered my head with my arms and ducked behind a desk. My dad went to turn off the pipe that had blown...laughing the whole way at me. I know my heart must have stopped for a moment and my hands where shaking. People have said when they thought they where going to die they saw their whole life pass before their eyes.
I, on the other hand ,was sure that my time had come and could only think "I am going to die in this ugly shirt!"
So here I am, still alive, 20 years old and realizing how deeply shallow I can be. Thank You God for giving me another day to know how much I need you.

Now for my real thoughts of the day. I have been reading a lot about spiritual battle. I read The Screwtape Letters by C.S Lewis, then Lord Foulgrin's letters by Randy Alcorn and now I am on the sequel to that The Ishbane Conspiracy. I am learning a lot from them...but am always overwhelmed by how easily we over look everyday evil. It almost seems like a pointless battle. Pointless because I feel like I am fighting on two different battle grounds...seeing it to begin with and having to defend what I see as evil ... the usual challenge is How do you know this is bad? You haven't tried it.But I am learning how to deal with.
I have come to the conclusion that making an educated decision about what is good and evil is not based on trying them out and seeing how it feels, but based on how well you know good.
A.W Tozer says that, "Sometimes the best way to see a thing is to look at it's opposite."
A good example of that would be people who are trained to spot counterfeit money. They are trained by being only exposed to the real money ... handle it, study it, deal only with the real stuff until they know it so well that they can tell a fake the moment they see it. I think one of the reasons Christians don't always know evil when we see it is because we have been to preoccupied with spotting it. I want to so wholly devote myself to knowing God that there is not a question of what is Him and what isn't. I want to be totally exposed to Him and completely hidden in Him.

I know that sounds kind of nasty. But truly it is not the sweet creamy picture that the word pie registers.
In fact really when I hear the phrase "humble pie" from now I will think of mud pies rather that coconut cream pie. It only makes since though when I look at it closely, what would be the point of God asking us to give him our will, if it was a thing to give.
I know for myself that it is often a matter of forcing myself to do things because I really don't want to do them. I know that sounds bad, but I am not saying all of the time...right now it is one particular area and so far I have done nothing but what I want so far ... so today is the day for change...I read this, never is Satan's plan more in danger than when a Christian, no longer desiring, but still intending to do God's will, looks round the universe and finding no sign of Him, asks why have you forsaken me, and still obeys.
So now I am faced with not only the fact that I must be humble...not a word I like...because I know it is the best thing for me, but in doing so even though it is the last thing I want to do, I have squashed Satan's plans for me at that moment.
And really and truly, ultimately want to do is God's will, because however I may feel in the right now, I know that it is best for me.

I was reading an article about Angelina Jollie in Rolling Stone magazine this morning. If you know anything about her you know she is pretty strange women. She is married to Billy Bob Thorton and together they make the strangest couple I have ever encountered. Angelina has a reputation for her fascination with blood. A reason for that would be that for Christmas she gave her husband a framed picture with word written in her own blood. SO I was not completely surprised to read the magazine quoting her to have said she would drink his (Billy bob's) blood if there was a safe way to do it. Just because she loves him so much she wanted his blood mixed inside hers...(really I am going somewhere with this, not just trying to be grosse)...oddly enough and as perverted as that sounds it made me think of communion.
"This is my blood, drink ye all of it."
So often I sit complacently through communion, not really thinking about what Jesus' blood meant or what my participation in the service really was about.
I know that the juice we drink is not blood, certainly not, but it is representing the blood shed for our sin. So I thought for myself, couldn't the act of my taking communion be my act of love, accepting in public the flesh a blood of my savior
in such an intimate way, as to take it into my own body...to have the representative of His blood mixed with mine, His life coursing through my veins?

HAPPY BRIRTHDAY to my wonderful sister Kari!!!
She is 17 today.
I worked today. Normal stuff, but I got done early.So I came home.
I was completely disturbed when to find my sister watching a little show on PBS and the puppets where talking about sex! What is this world comeing to. They even showed what was suppossed to be two puppets having sex!
That is when I thought " Dear Lord do I really want to raise my children in this world?"
ohhh dear

You know that part of Romans... where Paul talkes about the I do what I dont want to and dont do what I do want to even though I know what I should do, I do what I shouldnt instead... well I know how he feels!

Today we went to church in the rain and when we got there the electricity was out in the whole building. As I walked up and down the dark halls I watched and listened as people were going from room to room with flashlights and candles, they where laughing and having a wonderful time because it was dark. It was hot, uncomfortable, we all had to adjust our whole routine to do things. And I thought for a moment, only for a moment, " Here are a group of hard core Christians ... even in these conditions we have a church full of people here to be with God." After the thought rested a while and the lights came back on ... in the church and in my brain I realized how shallow my commitment to Christ really was. How could I considered sitting in a dark, warm church building a major scarifies for my devotion to my Savior? I saw how truly selfish I was for considering those minor inconveniences a scarifies at all. People in other countries live everyday in worse conditions than I sat through for an hour this morning and as if their perseverance was not enough, will walk for miles through heat, rain, snow, ice and even risk their lives to sit in the dirt or in a crowded room of other people who share their passion for a God who truly has been their Savior. I think that is a disadvantage we have as Americans, most of us never get to know the true Savior side of God's character. I am not trying to belittle anyone's "salvation" experience,
I am only speaking for myself. I believe myself to be seeking God with all of my heart. I am not sure that I know yet the kind of passion that those people have, the thirst that they have for God. I am not in a place where I have to totally rely on God the way some people do...I see that I have it easy and it is a fact that makes me a little sad. So my prayer is this...that God would take me so much deeper, even painfully deeper, in fact definitely painfully deeper, so that I can fully realize my need for him.
This is the scripture think of when I think of people who are truly sacrificing for God...
1 Peter 1:8-9
"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

This was the most encouraging thing to me considering my current state of mind. That when I am feeling at my lowest is really and truly when God can use me and teach me the most. When I am at my worst and still able to obey and trust, I am one of the greatest threats to Satan and his plans.
Out of The Screwtape Letters, one demon speaking to another "Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's(God)will,looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."
It is our obediance that is required not our desire.